Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
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P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
the council will decide your fate
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
new year update: losing everything but weight
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.