@TuffyNyC
@MichellCClark Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
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@MichellCClark 
@vladchoc Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
@kelkulus According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
@bloodysurgeon1 The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
@kimtopher22 I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
@randygdub trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
@dadmann_walking 7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
@Swishergirl24 My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
@AndyAsAdjective Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
@ashmensch *Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”