@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

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@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

@kelkulus

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

@kimtopher22

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

@randygdub

trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business

@dadmann_walking

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

@AndyAsAdjective

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

@ashmensch

*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*

“Oh no! My research!!”