WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.