wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
You Might Also Like
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.