We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
this has done me in for some reason
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.