We all have our pet causes.
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me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
This made me smile…
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Coffee is ready.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.