We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
BRO LMFAO
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children