We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You Might Also Like
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
describing stardew valley
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.