We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
My wife gives the best headache.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently