We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
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My blood type is coffee.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
me after drinking all the wine:
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why