We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.