we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.