“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Breaking news:
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
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