We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
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Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
don’t we all
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.