We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss