We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I love the National Park Service.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Ape together strong
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.