We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Lmfaoooooo
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Peter Parker Peter Driver
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”