Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

The pen is writier than the sword.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.