We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
You Might Also Like
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.