WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
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[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Boom, boom, ching!
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month