We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
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Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
#catsoftwitter
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?