“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
No. YOU-buprofen.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.