We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
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I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
TRAIN’S HERE
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.