We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?