We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Every BBC series about the universe.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine