We avoided this particular disaster
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
man: wait
time: no
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs