we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
yeah not falling for this one
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.