We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Jail
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.