@CruelMeiga I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
@River_Niles We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
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@CruelMeiga 
@prufrockluvsong Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
@daemonic3 [operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
@joejwest DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
@slimmy_shady A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
@better_off_dad2 United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
@_wangwe Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
@simoncholland You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
@AmishSuperModel “Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
@Prof_Hinkley I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one