We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
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Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.