‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
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I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
58.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.