[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
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As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.