We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.


Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.


Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?


[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?


*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol


Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-


I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.


You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma


Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO


Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.