We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
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Me: Same
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
This is hilarious….
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.