@CloydRivers

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

You Might Also Like

@KarenKilgariff

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

@FilmsWeWant

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

@djdarrellripley

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

@TopherKearby

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

@squirrel74wkgn

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

@MiddlingMs

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

@trumpetcake

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

@CulturedRuffian

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

@huntigula

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

@roxiqt

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.