We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
A classic…
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand