We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
You Might Also Like
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.