we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
You Might Also Like
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
SF is the wild wild west man
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”