We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You Might Also Like
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring