@JimmerThatisAll
@bewgtweets You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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@bewgtweets 
@VerifiedDrunk A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
@withanewname “Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
@silent_musings My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
@OhNoSheTwitnt Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
@KalvinMacleod ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
@jwoodham As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
@AmishSuperModel Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
@PaperWash [interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
@shenanigansen 