We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

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You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do


A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.


“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”


“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”


My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.


Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.


ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?


As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.


[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me