@JimmerThatisAll

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

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@bewgtweets

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

@VerifiedDrunk

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

@withanewname

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

@KalvinMacleod

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

@jwoodham

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

@PaperWash

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me