We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
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My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
wow
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.