Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

happy friday

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete

Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.