We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I finally found a reason to live again.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!