We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
lmao
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.