“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
This a good idea
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first