“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it