“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
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I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
cry laughing at this shit
the clam before the storm
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m giving up ice.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.