We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
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Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Thursday
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
me when i see my girls butt
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?