We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
getting groceries
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”