We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
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The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
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Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.