We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

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“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.


A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.



Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.


Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man


Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”


I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”


ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again


I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…


I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.