We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything