We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Get in loser we’re going crying
