We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
You Might Also Like
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you