We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
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*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
called in thicc to work this morning
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…