we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
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friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
When your man makes a valid point
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.