we did it you guys we saved daylight
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Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby