we did it you guys we saved daylight
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.