We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!