We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up